how to hold a narcissist accountable how to hold a narcissist accountable

I have been reading your articles for about a year now. There are steps in The Love Safety Net Workbook that will help you create a home environment that builds attachment and trust. My head understands that his efforts and love were nothing but manipulation. They have been so helpful! I have to say after reading you article it does make perfect sense. Thank you so much for what you are doing, dont stop. I appreciate your indepth understanding, and drive to help others. Id like to thank you for your work. Ive been married 6 yrs but only been going thru this for about 2 yrs. I feel it is within my rights to decide that it might be better to live apart so he cant constantly rely on me to make sure there is food in the house and such. He claims to have been to the counselor we saw together and that he knows he did all that to me because he hated himself before and has learned to now love himself. That being said, we do know that narcissism is a behavior that can be reinforced or discouraged by the environment. Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? But really, I am just angry and hurt. Surviving a Narcissistic Partner: Should You Stay Or Should You Go? How To Break Up With Someone Toxic/Narcissistic Safely - And Never Look We have 2 children together and this time has been very difficult. Where are you now? Good luck everyone. He isnt a major narcissist but has both narcissistic and borderline tendencies and at times he is a nightmare to deal with. Manipulative people, like narcissists, can hook their victims in with a tactic called "love bombing." It's the stage of the relationship where they identify their target, then make them feel like the most special person in the world by showering them with compliments, affection, and gifts. We pretty much all do that but that just adds fuel to their fire and gives them more power.You are most likely a very special person and through your experiences will have developed qualities that some people may never have.To Kym and Steve, I propose a toast for being honest enough to share some very private and personal things so that others may be helped. Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship. (2) Damaged my car I have been scared of him & Several times I have ran to my car, locking the doors to get away from him& when I refuse to leave safety of my car, he threatens to damage my car if I dont get out of it, which has resulted in: door Handel ripped off, entire windshield wiper broken off, Three big dents in my door, cracked windshield and him keying my car. 2 Say "no" when they ask for favors. I actually separated from him once for a few months prior to the breakup for the same reasons constant verbal abuse and emotional manipulation Prince charming until any type of insecurity would arise. Your response was that he is a teenager and eats a lot and that it would create more work and trouble. Is it a good idea to just go and do my own stuff then in a non-confrontational manner? its just not final as in annuled. Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. He is like a King on a throne with many wives. What are his consequences without losing the weak attachment that we have? Sometimes I wish Id die and just get it over with. He was agressive in subtile ways, ignoring me, humiliating me, always complaining about the things that were not good about me, telling me to put on other clothes if we went to freinds.. and so on. Narcissists need to be the center of attention at all times. I made clinical decisions about consequences and my role became the enforcer of boundaries. Now we have to devide property, of course I dont deserve anything, I didnt do as I was told, had too much to say for myself, turned everyone against him and so it goes on and on. This is all past tense and yet in my head it feels like yesterday. This can be a sudden outburst of anger or passive aggression. Great information! My experience is that this requires a lot of work on yourself to find emotional balance and peace of mind that they cannot reach, whilst you respond to their behaviour gently but firmly. Disarming the Narcissist: How to Set Limits and Hold Them Accountable When two month later you parents decided they wanted to stay where they were, and we had to get a roommate to be able to cover the rent, you blamed me for having a stranger living in our home. I felt I was losing grip on life and sanity and didnt realise his constant insinuations and paranoid comments were pushing me there. They Hold Grudges & Harbor Resentment. Every couple of weeks to every few months of our whole relationship he has threatened to divorce me, but I finally decided to stop fighting it and to stop begging for forgiveness for all of the things that offend him. What do you guys/girls think? We made the agreement that we would split the payment and insurance in the meantime so you had a car to drive. To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. He also sexually assaulted our 4 year old one night during a drunken binge and was arrested but got off on a technicality even though CPS said there was no doubt it happened and all of us are in counseling due to the additional verbal and psychological abuse. What happens when a narcissist is held accountable? - Quora She calls him for everything, and hes always going to her house and hanging out with her. I started planning that when we meet for anything it would be in a public place. I kept leaving and going back to a spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically destructive marriage. He doesnt qualify to ge a divorce. I was!!! How can you prevent this person raping you again? I felt the need to give it to him as part of the seperation process for me. Says I am a know it all and have too many opinions.He does revenge for things I didnt try to do. All the idiots get tossed out quick, and NO i dont care about their opinion, and all the good solid people started coming into my life. Unfortunately, I didnt have the help you now offer. Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. You do what you want and let others deal w it. Thank you Kim. Narcissists can only play the game they do if the people around them allow themselves to be deceived by their lies. He started a few online groups too trying to get people to follow him. Do you think thats possible? along with the narcissist's makeup - helps us to bypass obstacles when dealing with. You say your marriage cannot be annulled and your husband doesnt qualify for Divorce. nothing worked. Anyones behaviour can seem selfish, irresponsible and mean if it isnt what the other person thinks it should be. I am thinking I want to ask him tonite if he has decided and if he starts all over to bypass and avoid answering, to tell him that its ok but that I have to make decisions and that I think it is better that we keep our finances completely seperate from now on and that he find his own place to live when he comes back home. That may not make sense right now but really it is about respect. Anyway the aderall med increased and over time he was prescribed a insanely large dose. One new study showed that narcissists can significantly damage workplace team performance. In hopes that others may see and be able to decide what is best for them. These times are probably gone forever. When he gets mad about you making the police report you need to be ready to say calmly that he did thousands of dollars damage to your car and so of course you needed to report it to make an insurance claim. I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. Thanks Kim and Steve for all your work and make sure you do the exercises in The Love Safety Work Book :0). 29 years has taken its toll, it is not easy at all trying to get mentally healthy myself, while protecting myself from further hurt from my husband. 1 Narcissistic personality disorder is marked by grandiose thinking, inflated sense of ego, lack of empathy and a need to be admired by all. Marie, sorry to hear. Im doing my best to deal with everything. I was shocked. He puts on quite a show at times. I am so relieved to read LadyJanes post (response no. I held on to what was left, did marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc. I like some of the suggestion although I doubt it would work. I could write an encyclopedia too. Did your partner admit to the lies you wrote about during the early days of your relationship, and then turn into the man who damaged your car and didnt mention it until after you found out? Is it OK to do this? They are innocent, and will use this to cry and tell others about you. It is natural for narcissistic people to care for the things that they consider worthy, particularly when given a platform to do so. I did fall into withdrawing from him when it started to fail and now recognize that this may have been due to my own inability to love/TRUSTand my way of trying to yield a different result (aka control?) 5 years later and Steve is still working with me at home and the new lifestyle he has learned here is simple, solid and dependable. Some of us need to consider that while we are suffering for days months and yrs..that our health is also suffering from stress. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. This may not be 100% true but you are not the expert are you? While I was asleep, got my phone and synced with it taking all of my photos my phone showed that his phone synced to mine at 3:53 a.m. And he took things of mine and continued to invade my privacy until suddenly woke at 5:30 and saw him standing at the foot of my bed!!! You called our landlord while being mad at me and told them WE where not going to renew our lease without telling me. How does a covert narcissist respond to being held accountable? What do I do about the kids? My husband of 14 yrs(2nd for both of us) is not only a narciccist, but also had an affair for two years. Medical people are not asking me ..are you under some kind of stress? When a narcissist with a fragile self-esteem is held accountable he breaks into a narcissistic rage. Once you obtain that, the cloud hoovering overhead will become smaller and smaller the sense of freedom and relief will ease and bring peace to your heart, mind, soul, and with Kim & Steves teachings overcoming our own gap work will ease putting strong boundaries in place. Obviously I wanted my parents to love me; I want this guy to love me, forgive me and at least talk to me on occasion, but hes gone. Im tired of the game, the dance, the rollercoaster. In order to post comments, please make sure JavaScript and Cookies are enabled, and reload the page. (it had worked in the past and thought that as we were married, we would work through it). Forget needing him to be sorry that is a losers game and only got things to where they are now. Are you safe? I wanted to share that last fall, I called the police to report that my husband was drinking and driving. When anything goes wrong i cant even imply it was his fault. Most people get closer together in bad times but I just know if we had a Tragic situation it would be an argument. When I remind him of the promise he made, he says he wont be guilted into keeping that promise. I talk about this in depth in Back From the Looking Glass sometimes it takes time until you find the right person to help. He knows how to push my buttons to get me so fired up it turns into a raging fight. Sorry to rant. My advice would be to continue to work on YOU. i wish I could at least get him to discuss the fact that he is a Narc but Im willing ot stay help him through it. 1) During your deployments R&R, as I was in the process giving up my job, selling my home, pack, finding a rental home in a new state that I didnt know a soul in. Thanks Kim. We separated for 6 months and identified the things we needed to work on in order for her to move back in and us to be a family again. Thoughts anyone? So I am glad its over. And heal and grow. I worked with a woman who had NPD. If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. I finally questioned it. Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. I know he will never agree to have his check deposited into my account. After a 13 year marriage my narcissistic ex confessed to an affair throughout. The kids are terrified of him due to the many dangerous situations he put them in (drIving drunk, putting an apple on their head and prentending to throw an apple at their heads, forgetting one of the kids when he would leave to go get more beer, exposing them to porn, girlfriends jewelry, etc., etc.). Otherwise, you will be spending your life trying to make someone else happy, and unfortunately those days are limited. Are you and Steve doing the Radio Talk Shows anymore? When Matt has consequences, he uses the boys against me. New phase, new job, not drinking, instead taking adder all for his ADD he became obsessed with new job working with his parentsthey can be a toxic at times. After numerous requests for cooperation (5 years), (met with abject denials) I eventually went to my boss and asked that I deal with her through emails. Maintain Boundaries. He did not get arrested, but he did get stopped and sent home. I know he will never be ok and get past this but I can daily handle all his misbehaviors. He hates most people. I have not used these technics as of yet. Ongoing hostile silence that never ends. But she always thought I was better than her. i cant see them. This is possibly the most important thing you can do as you learn how to be the asshole when co-parenting with a borderline or narcissist. With two dogs and two horses close to your job, so we could be together and just had lost my mother to cancer two weeks before. On another site I read that A true relationship with these people is impossible A relationship of sorts is possible if you are prepared to put in a lot of hard work and be very strong but it might never equal what you deserve and what can be achieved when two people truly love and respect each other. I said that is impossible and he said are you sure you didnt forget the banking? He does need to learn that there are natural consequenses for his actions and that I will not always bail him out. and after everything they do we still crying for them?- there must be some personality traits that mirror ours. I have been a believer and customer of yours for several years now. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand. Choose your battles and decide what is important enough to speak about and wait until things are calm. Unfortunately, my marriage held no hope. I could snap once that is say one sentence cos I was really upset about something and he would use it as an excuse to storm off, knowing full well that i say my piece and then carry on with my life. I dont see any additional archives. I assume there are different degrees of narcissismand though my wife doesnt do some of the more egregious behaviors many of you are dealing with, she is a text-book narcissist in her inability to accept accountability or in any way see the world through eyes or perspectives other than her own. How does one stay true themselves, their daughter and the man they love, while N is determined to destroy the love of a family he so wanted and created, without hurting everyone, and still finding a way to mend what is so very broken? Every crazy thing that has ever happened in our relationship that I could never understand was outlined in the characteristics and traits of a person with NPD. I would encourage you to read all you can get your hands on from Kim and Steve. He moved in with me after 2 weeks dating. Right or wrong, I had to write this, of you each decide for themselves. And we are a wealthy family! Sorry I dont have much time tonight please visit the page here , http://www.narcissismcured.com/12_Steps_to_End_the_Fights.html. Your a God send. I am hesistant as his actions around the birth of our boy showed him to be absent and immature with a failure to own his own behaviour. And also there might be a difference in willingness to open up. I rarely can get my husband to admit when he is wrong. Kim & Steve have a blog page titled Because I Love You-Im Learning To Say No. Remember if they do it once its happen again! Leverage: "There must be a meaningful consequence to bring the narcissist into therapy, like the fear of losing a loved one who has 'had it,' the threat of losing their job, or their status." 2. I am always at fault. And if you know you are with a narcissist? I just got served with a baseless lawsuit by him and now have to find a pro bono attorney as I have no money but with his slick attorney ways, he will someone win even though CPS has said he cant see the kids unsupervised but the courts are allowing him to file suit for custody?? Its pathetic and he totally blinds everyone what a user he is. But Ann it all depends on the individual. There is good in him. I need to do that. )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! He is very sensitive. I also know I hang onto him, at least by calling his answering machine almost every night once or twice because when I hear his voice mail greeting, I remember the good times between us, which were years ago and I dont have any replacements. The only thing thats good about these types, is getting rid of them, knowing throughout their life, everyone else will dispise them too, sooner or later. I took him back many times when we were dating. A month ago he started calling me and emailing me telling me how much he loves me and wants to get back together. I couldnt believe what I heard coming from him. His emotional and verbal abuse has only gotten worse since I was originally diagnosed. Managing Child Custody with a Narcissistic Parent - Doyle Law Group, P.A. There is no physical abuse, no porn even, no substance abuse, no affairs, no secret spending. But my heart knows that I will never be able to count on him to be there for me unless it suits him and his own needs at the time. My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. If you still love him well then give him a chance but you also need to make sure you have rock solid boundaries in place including your money and your time. So yesterday I brought Monica a new cheque, wrote my phone number on the envelope, told her from now on she is to call me that he is busy at work to take such calls. I have only learned that I must accept being crucified, and still have the opportunity to live forward. If you want to hold a narcissist accountable, you need to challenge the deception. They sound like clear boundaries you can put in place while helping yourself(sorry if I have missed or misunderstood something in your previous comments). Hi Trying so hard I wonder if first you might want to work on making your home into someplace he wants to be? He has not moved onto another relationship, though I suspect he uses porn as comfort. Because of this its probably best to not even try! Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. Breaking Up With A Narcissist: How To Do It & What To Expect They want you to become irrational to have an excuse for their behavior. for 2 years before we divorced and hosted multiple person sex parties where anything goes. He is a deeply insecure person when it comes to intimacy. The good thing I am glad he finally is looking old so the women will possibly be out of our lives. It took 2-3 years and Ive moved on, but the apology from him finally gave me the closure I needed. When he recently visited while I was putting bubs to sleep (after a month of serious sleep deprivation which Id been trying to pull some consideration or support from him with)he goes to sleep as soon as he arrives as hes had such a hard day.every day is hard in his world, he does to his credit go over the top. Well things have obviously been pretty delicate since then and Im keeping a healthy distance but we have in the last few months been repairing our relationship. Hi Kim The thing is whenever he performs one of his roles, I tell him that isnt the person I want. You may find help there. When I started realizing it all , I was panicking , feeling trapped each passing moment . The worse thing is seeing how he uses older women who are lonely and they need the attention they have no idea why he is in there life but its for something he wants done and they can help him accomplish his wants. Your openess and willingness to help is a wonderful breath of fresh air when one has been suffocating in a toxic relationship. I understand the accountable methods u suggested, done it that way in spme situations. Positive attention is great for the narcissist but negative attention is crucial to their ability to hold you accountable. The toilet bowl of my Nar life is flushing and he is finally being fractured and hopefully reformed for the better by his own actions and choices. What he said was I love you but I cant live with you. I told them he wasnt ready and needed to learn how to be a father and husband first. Do what you can do and stop worrying about the rest, above all stop blaming yourself ! In the end, I regret trying to make him feel consequences. Co-Parenting with a Borderline: Being the Asshole, Part 3 I never did something like this in my life, but, Ive always been a very active person and did a lot on my own and now Im stuck in a wheelchair with limited funds and spend a lot of time and energy on my health. Right now Im in therapy and EMDR is being used to help heal old wounds but in the process hes creating more. regards 8) When my 15-year-old son called me crying and wanted to move back home after moving in with his dad for a year to try and have a relationship with him which was not working. Hang in there Amy and you be careful to follow the steps in Back from the Looking Glass about leaving because it really can escalate the abuse. But recently it has about chewed me up and spit me out. Debbie says to a narcissist marriage equals money and talks about the childlike behavior. I see that codependency is an issue that I am working with. It was pure agony yet the best thing that has happened in many ways. Ive read a lot of wonderful responses to your article, but I especially would like to respond to Amy. I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. he of course was perfect and still is. I use to say to myself, o my goodness, how in the world will we ever get to the stuff that makes us want to be with people. Financially Im in a bad place as I quit my job a few months ago and now make jewelry but Im broke. yes he already was in contact with another woman whilst I still was with him, he was on dating sites and I have learned; to him I was nothing but a narcissistic extension. I do believe he misses meand he loves me as much as he is able to love, but this disability is cyclicand I am much too aware of his cycles. I do admit that I pushed too hard. This method of dealing with it is the only one that has any positive results. After twenty-eight years of this, I feel used up and find it difficult to persevere. He isolates me from his friends because he knows that I see his other self emerge in front of them, and he does not want me to call him out on it (I have done so before, with terrible consequences). How do we build trust, if my N is not willing to keep a promise? It is so hard to read his a apologies and statements of ownership and progress. What I am suggesting here is not about reasoning but action. Hi Kim It is very important that you put all of the steps in Back From the Looking Glass in place. He just gets louder. Ive lived with this for 24+ years and I have had it. We still have a ways to to but I just cant believe how different things are with us now. I do feel relief in at least knowing there is a reason why he does what he does, but how do I heal our relationship? He is unstable and is alsi a habitual liar. The call the police one didnt work for me. Thank you for all your supportive emails that inspire me and others. 12) While driving the old car you locked yourself out one day and violently damaged the car trying to break into it causing hundreds of dollars of damage, instead of calling me to give you a spare key or calling a locksmith. The good thing I have taken care of many members but most of all this is how I have withstand being married to a man like this for this long. (1)He slammed my iPhone on to the ground (because I refused to give him my car keys) he was not sorry, he blamed meI made him do it. Whats sad.my 9 year old is already showing narcissistic tendencies. HOLD them accountable in the safest way possible for you. 2. I do not want this life for my children. 2) When returning from you deployment you told me your ex-wife was coming to town and bring the kids so they could see you. I think for my sanity I just cant talk to him anymore. Hi Julie, The response you mention is very common and this is why in the Love Safety Net Workbook we outline 4 areas with exercises that need to be worked on together. 14) When it was your daughters birthday keep in mind she is 8 and I was worried about you not buying her a present and letting her know you loved her. I would not let him believe he could get away with it with me. I knew something was wrong, but I was so accustomed to allowing people to disregard and abuse me that I did give it the attention it deserved. So many of you sound as if youre writing about my husband. Thank you again for your courageous letter. Its been over a year. My advice is not to have to live with someone like this because it is not love but something not yet defined in the annals of DSM and will and does only get worse over time. He does have a good side, but I am beginning to wonder which is the real him. For how to get in control of a double life, I really dont see any chance. I just asked him via text after four years of love and devotion is he willing to give it all up for one moment of truth? I work on myself to cope with that . I am very close to the point where I may sit him down and explain a few things about Daddy to him, that will help him learn to cope with his fathers behavior, and to help him see that it is not about HIMits Daddys problem. The reason i fall for these men? How can we summon up the courage, maintain an empathically attuned state of. Thank you. Thank you Kim, reading your stuff has helped me so much to become a stronger person. Real trust is earned and not given anyway and so no you shouldnt trust him yet, things need to be set up now so there is complete transparency. Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. He got tunnel vision obsessed with job the aderall had him on the go, then yo projects in house( over 3 years and not one of the many projects to house completed) I was mainly emotional, feeling ignored by him. Some hopeful partially answered questions; yet, here we still are: trapped in our own cause of slavery.